Who ever said it wasn’t okay to see mama’s cry? Why is it in us to block our little ones from seeing us cry? Does it make us weaker if they see us crying? Or does it show reality of life? Is the reality of life what we are trying to hide from them? Is that it? Is that why I want to hide my tears from him?
These are the questions for myself today….. Yes, today has been a disappointing day. On many levels. On so many levels that I have gotten overwhelmed today multiple times and have ended in tears, too many times. The first time, I blocked him from seeing, even though I knew he could hear it in my voice….. INTO THE OTHER ROOM I WENT… trying to talk on the phone and keep him from knowing I was crying. Why? it should be okay for him to see me cry. It shouldn’t make me weaker in his eyes. Why do I feel guilty for crying in front of him? Why do I have this fear that it makes me weaker? The call only proved to me that the world is difficult and others have a privilege that I am not in league with. Others can make a single call and get the help they need, where I am denied over and over from that help. For others, it is as easy as making a call and a few weeks later, they are given the benefit they are seeking and have the right to. Still others seek assistance and gain it without a need to fight, and have no disability to speak of. Where am I going wrong here? How do you get access to the privilege of assistance?
The second time, again on the phone, but this time I started off in the other room. Again, only purpose, I felt it would be a difficult call and didn’t want to cry in front of him. Again, its only about assistance. Seeking help. Reaching for a life line. Something I tell little buddy all the time is You only have to reach out for help…. again, it only seems to be for a privilege few. If I let it get to me, it can make a person very bitter to be cast aside. Made to feel of little consequence. Made to feel like I am talking a line to them; telling a lie. Sorry people, I don’t do that. Sorry to disappoint you, I am not of that caliber. I guess that is what makes me different. Separates me from the privilege league.
As the day continues, he is using every delay tactic in the his ability to not do schoolwork and I don’t have the energy to press it. But as I am folding clothes, or trying to fight through the pain to do so, silent tears start to fall. Poor baby thinks he is the reason the tears are falling and goes into the dining room to start on schoolwork that could have been done hours ago. I don’t have the heart or voice to tell him right now that mama’s tears are due to a disappointing world and not him. That day will come, when I have to discuss the disappointments of this world and mama’s tears with him. Seems heartbreaking to discuss financial and health difficulties with a little person. They don’t need to carry that on their shoulders. Adult problems should stay adult problems. But this little man is smart as a whip. I fear he will learn of things before he needs to. I pray daily for Godly help and intervention.
Maybe that is why I try to hide my tears from him… Protecting him from the problems of this world; keeping his world innocently innocent. Right now, the tears are a result of “Mama is having a bad day today”. I think he may be smarter that that, though.
Psalms 126:6 (KJV) He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.