Purpose and Time

Hey. Hey. Hey……  been way to long and just WAY TOO MUCH.  Truly, I am sorry for so much time passing. I kept feeling the need to write, but doubted the purpose, MY Purpose, GOD’s Purpose. But God has put it on my heart so much to write that I am currently fighting back tears.  Apparently, someone needs to read the words, or I need to get it out. Not sure of the purpose..

So, last time I wrote, I was waiting on the doctor to call me back. She had left a message regarding my ultrasound and wanted to discuss “moving forward”. Those words have a bad connotation when discussing the possibility of a cancer spread to another lymph node. Right?  It kind of rings many fear bells. My anxiety levels have been higher of late. I keep thinking I need to get on something for help with my anxiety, but

1. I don’t really want another medication to take; and

2. Every time I mention anxiety, they want to look into my Thyroid medication.

My levothyroxine is just fine where it is. My anxiety was there before all this crap started and it only gets overwhelming, or ramps up, when I AM OVERWHELMED.

As it turns out, she and the radiologist had a thorough discussion and consider it a good idea to investigate the lymph node since the measurements were a tad different and the history of metastasis (I don’t like that word). Fine needle biopsy via ultrasound was put on the “moving forward” agenda. Praise God, all was clear in the lymph node.  All that was biopsied was lymph tissue. Woohoo, another ultrasound in 3 months, Radiation whole body scan in August which means I will have to be on low iodine diet at the end of July and off medication, not gonna be a fun time…….

Finally had a doctor listen to me, can you imagine, I mean really, It is gonna snow in Mexico or pigs are gonna fly across the Atlantic, something is gonna happen, right? I just praise God for bringing the right people in my path…..

Anyway, I had a nerve test done to find out what, if anything, is wrong with my right shoulder, upper back on the right and upper chest on the right. A nerve test is a 1 hour test, no real biggy, EXCEPT, this long thin needle is being poked everywhere to see if there is electrical activity going on….  I have NONE in my upper back and across my shoulder. NONE. NO ELECTRICAL ACTIVITY.  Well now I know what to pray for, other than for God to JUST FIX IT!!!  Following up with an MRI to find out if the Spinal Accessory Nerve is cut, nicked, crimped or if all my trouble is from scar tissue. Then a referral to a Neuro Surgeon to discuss risk vs benefit of having surgery to fix it.

Had a bunch of female testing done to rule out a load of possibilities related to the excessive month long bleeding in March. All came out clear, but now I am on another pill (didn’t I just say I didn’t want another pill – well it was either that or surgery) to attempt to make sure that doesn’t happen again. Can’t be having a blood transfusion every other month, now can I.  And really just to bring into the picture of how anemic I was; how awful my “not critical’ lab values were – I am still not in the “with in normal limits” range. I have been taking iron tablets twice a day for over 2 months now, my levels 2 weeks ago are still wack-a-doodle.  Oh but I ” wasn’t critical and should not have been having those symptoms”.  I have a problem with the medical field professionals coming out of medical school now;  people look at the whole picture – you have to look at the whole picture. Okay – off my soap box now…..

I still have no money coming in, we are 3 people living on my husband’s disability (God is providing in other ways, PRAISE GOD).  Fighting with SSA to get them to understand the issues at hand, they won’t listen, must wait for the hearing before the judge.  The hearing can be 12 – 18 months from application.  In July will be the 1 year time frame. But God provides and is working in the background.

Then just 2 weeks ago, we had to put my big black lab, my baby Beaux to sleep. That was hard folks. I got all kinds of snotty with that one.  He was 14 yrs old. He had been my baby since we found him walking down the street at estimated 4 weeks old, per vet. I saw the light go out of his eyes and it broke my heart. My baby Beaux.

MY GOSH…..  Do you ever feel like you need to yell at God? Tell him, His time needs to be NOW, because your timer has gone off, you’re done, TIME IS NOW.  Yes, that is where I am, kind of. My timer has gone off and I need to be taken off the stove or out of the cooker because I am done. I know He hears me.  I know He is working on something. I know His time is not now, but I am tired.  This child is tired. I am ready to through a fit, but I don’t want to get hurt trying to get His attention. If I force the issue instead of waiting on Him, I will likely get hurt, or things will turn out bad because I monkeyed with it instead of:

Pausing.

Taking a breath.

Praying.

Telling Him, I am waiting on you, Lord.

The Spirit is with me.  I feel Him. I hear him. He calms me, embraces me, fills me with peace. And most of all fills me to overflowing with his love.

So here I am almost ending the month of June, praying for patience and grace while saying, God I love you and I am waiting on you.