I apologize for not being present here yet in 2020. Honestly it is about my attitude. I have had and currently still have and am working through a “woe is me” attitude. I try really hard every day to choose joy, but notice I am falling short. I am shoring up my foundations with scripture and making a better attempt each day.
Lam 3:22-23 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
because His compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
January was filled with restarting homeschool lessons, blood work, surgery and recovery. I have had 5 surgeries in my lifetime, 2 of which I was awake during and general anesthesia was used in 3. In general you would think there would be nothing that would untoward would occur in only 3 surgeries. But really, any surgery can be problematic. Well, this surgery will definitely stand out to me for a while, though I pray God wipes the problematic part clean from my memory.
Have you every woke up in the middle of a surgery? I have to say, I had not, until this surgery. I pray God clears that moment from my mind and protects me from that happening ever again in the future. I could tell my body position and I could feel the surgery taking place in that moment and pain of that moment was……. unspeakable. I was trying to move my arms, scream passed the intubation… all to no avail. One of three things occurred:
1. God answered my prayer and knocked me out.
2. I succumbed to the pain and my body passed out.
3. Anesthesia figured out I was awake by my heart rate sky rocketing and administered some more “go to sleep” medication.
I think I need to acknowledge that a little PTSD is present. Haven’t slept well since the surgery. Must allow the healing to happen at its pace, not the pace I want it to happen.
Kind of like God’s will. We want things to happen when we want them to, how we want them to and the way we want them to happen. But if that is not God’s will, then that is not when, how or the way it will happen and if we push it to occur, it may happen without God’s blessing because it is outside of His will.
Have you ever considered that? Is there a benefit to doing anything outside of God’s will? I think not. However, I do understand that regardless, God is with me and will see me through and He will see you through whatever you are going through, if you will give Him the lead.